Inevitably, as my life slips away under the weight of accumulated loss, I will sink into the gentle oblivion of gathered memes. Subsumed by my sins, all differences between myself and the characters I write will evanesce until there is only the incarnation of Meme, the realization of an ideal through its searing inscription upon my mortal form.
Heroes have been immortalized for as much. Souls have been damned for much less.
– ♥, Nabocchan
Survival of the Shittest: Why Every Animal is Terrible
By: Me, a PhD (Pretty hard Dude)
“Natural Selection almost inevitably causes much Extinction of all the cool forms of life and induces what I have called a Proliferation of Dumb Bullshit.”
Okay so you know natural selection right? Where everything that can’t live dies and then the stuff that lives or whatever makes a lot more of itself?
I’m here to tell you why it’s the worst.
So say you have two animals. A lizard and a dragon. The dragon is, objectively speaking, way cooler. It fulfill the Fundamental Criteria of Radness, which I will set forth as follows:
-Big
-Flies
-Nearly invincible
-Breathes fire
-Not dumb
As such, it should follow that the dragon would be favored to reproduce and make little dragons everywhere and the lizard would go straight to hell for being essentially a worse dragon.
But as it so happens, being rad is not a determinant of survival. The dragon uses up too much energy on cool shit so it dies and the asshole lizards just spread everywhere and lay in the sun like little idiots. We can see this time and time again: the Megalodon is replaced by the (still cool, but less so) normal-sized sharks, dinosaurs become chickens, insects become smaller insects. The essential mechanism governing propagation is on an unalterable trajectory toward Darwin’s “Dumb Bullshit”. Everything is just becoming less cool all the time.
If you think I’m going to stop and make an exception for humans think again buddy, because humans prove the rule. An ape can, like, tear off your arm and beat you to death with it. Can you do that? Didn’t think so. All we get are dumb things like being able to talk so we can complain about how much we want to be apes instead.
You know what would be way better than that? Swinging around in a tree and being super strong.
So if everything is terrible what should we do about it? Just use our stupid human vocal tracts to whine?
No, I propose we do something. We can’t reverse-engineer everything exactly because Jurassic Park proved that we aren’t able to handle animals that intense anymore. But what if we mixed animals instead? We could create new cool shit like man-sharks and lion-birds.
I’ll admit I’m no geneticist, but I know we can make all kind of things that are like, what? So I’m sure someone can figure out how to make something awesome. In the meantime, I implore you: compile a list of which hybrids would be coolest. We’ll need them someday soon.
Heroes have been immortalized for as much. Souls have been damned for much less.
– ♥, Nabocchan
Survival of the Shittest: Why Every Animal is Terrible
By: Me, a PhD (Pretty hard Dude)
“Natural Selection almost inevitably causes much Extinction of all the cool forms of life and induces what I have called a Proliferation of Dumb Bullshit.”
—Charlie D
Okay so you know natural selection right? Where everything that can’t live dies and then the stuff that lives or whatever makes a lot more of itself?
I’m here to tell you why it’s the worst.
So say you have two animals. A lizard and a dragon. The dragon is, objectively speaking, way cooler. It fulfill the Fundamental Criteria of Radness, which I will set forth as follows:
-Big
-Flies
-Nearly invincible
-Breathes fire
-Not dumb
As such, it should follow that the dragon would be favored to reproduce and make little dragons everywhere and the lizard would go straight to hell for being essentially a worse dragon.
But as it so happens, being rad is not a determinant of survival. The dragon uses up too much energy on cool shit so it dies and the asshole lizards just spread everywhere and lay in the sun like little idiots. We can see this time and time again: the Megalodon is replaced by the (still cool, but less so) normal-sized sharks, dinosaurs become chickens, insects become smaller insects. The essential mechanism governing propagation is on an unalterable trajectory toward Darwin’s “Dumb Bullshit”. Everything is just becoming less cool all the time.
If you think I’m going to stop and make an exception for humans think again buddy, because humans prove the rule. An ape can, like, tear off your arm and beat you to death with it. Can you do that? Didn’t think so. All we get are dumb things like being able to talk so we can complain about how much we want to be apes instead.
You know what would be way better than that? Swinging around in a tree and being super strong.
So if everything is terrible what should we do about it? Just use our stupid human vocal tracts to whine?
No, I propose we do something. We can’t reverse-engineer everything exactly because Jurassic Park proved that we aren’t able to handle animals that intense anymore. But what if we mixed animals instead? We could create new cool shit like man-sharks and lion-birds.
I’ll admit I’m no geneticist, but I know we can make all kind of things that are like, what? So I’m sure someone can figure out how to make something awesome. In the meantime, I implore you: compile a list of which hybrids would be coolest. We’ll need them someday soon.
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