The Melancholy of Cody Driggers

Hello tomodachis, do you like anime? If you do you'll love this. I'm Let's Player, Role Player and Playa' (jk lol xD) Cody and I wrote this guest article out of nerd pride! Nabocchan posted it for me. Enjoy~

 Hello. My name is Cody Driggers, but you can call me Cody Uzumaki Kurosaki. For fourteen years I've enjoyed a carefree existence, training in my backyard with the most powerful sword in history – the katana, the soul of the samurai, capable of slicing boulders in two. But that carefree existence came to end a few months ago, when Phil came.

Phil is my mom's asshole boyfriend. He likes to pretend that he knows me and ruffle my hair, and it completely messes up the sick ronin ponytail I've been working on. I considered using my katana, which I've named Kurokorosukatana, Black Deathblade, to vanquish him, but my sensei told me not to. My sensei is Steve, a seventeen-year-old I met through an anime meetup. He says he's one-seventh Japanese, and he's the only one who understands me, besides Sakura.

Sakura is my waifu (wife for you gaijins). She's super hot and nice, and she likes to watch me play Final Fantasy XIII. I bought a figure of her, and a damakura (hugging pillow). She was flattered. I got her at an anime con (that's short for convention but if you didn't know that you're just a baka which means idiot in Japanese). Sometimes we laugh at how much of bakas everyone else is, like when I came to school in my sick Kirito cosplay and no one got it.

Anyway, so Sakura and I were discussing how to get rid of Phil when I realized: I just had to use the Death Note. That's like a notebook, but when you write people's name in it, they die. So I looked up a tutorial on DeviantArt and covered up my math notes to look like one, but my mom found out and got mad. She doesn't get that math is for dumb stuff like accounting and I won't need it when I go to Japan and become a mangaka (that's someone who draws manga, Japanese comic books).

I've already developed crazy drawing skills. My art teacher was super impressed with the trace of Black Rock Shooter I did, and I upload my chibi comics to Tumblr where they get at least ten notes apiece. I have a D in art, but that's because the whole class is about crazy blue dudes who painted boring pictures of naked ladies. They aren't even sexy.

Phil tried to talk to me about my grades once.

“Hey, buddy,” he said. “I just saw your report card and I wanted to talk. I'm concerned that you might not be doing your best in math.”

“Oh yeah?” I said, in a really cool way like Light Yagami, “Well, I'm concerned that you're not my real dad.”

It was a really good burn. Phil got up and left like a bitch too. Later I heard them talking about me. My mom was crying so I knew I was doing good; that meant I was a real man, when a woman at home had to cry about my suffering.

“I just don't get it,” she said. “He spends all day watching that stuff – I mean, is it even appropriate? I found a folder on his computer with a bunch of pictures of this naked dog-girl. And even worse, he tried to hide it by calling it 'IMPORTANT BUSINESS FAX PHOTOS'.”

I couldn't contain my rage anymore. I burst in to defend Holo.

“She's a wolf, you baka,” I screamed.

I was grounded again, probably because Phil told her to. Nobody in my family appreciates my talent. That's why when I go to Japan I'm gonna change my name to Uzumaki Kurosaki for real, and get three girlfriends who all think I'm awesome. One girl on Crunchyroll said she would be my girlfriend if I bought her a subscription, and her picture was this totally hot beach babe, so I figure I'm making good progress.

Sometimes when I can't sleep I pull out my katana and practice my moves. I've got a lot of cool moves, like a spin attack and a reverse-grip attack, and I like to name them in Japanese as I go. Like I came up with this really powerful strike I call the Kamiringokawa Slash, and I'm pretty sure it could split at least a moderately-sized boulder in two. Attacks are all about building up your spiritual force – your ki – before you do them. I still can't believe my mom let me order this sword off Amazon; it was only $40 too. She's pretty cool sometimes, when she's not being a stupid kamisama. Someone told me that meant something super rude in Japanese but I won't translate it ;).

I've been looking for disciples to spread my ki skills to. But Steve said he was already busy with his anime club, and I don't really know anyone else except for Louis, who wanted to join but I told him his ki was too weak so I couldn't accept him. I can't wait to enter high school so I can join an anime club like Steve. I bet it's just like the clubs in Haruhi Suzumaya, where I'll find people who appreciate how wacky and random I am.

Sometimes people try to be my friend but they do dumb stuff like listen to stupid music or don't know about anime, or watch shit anime, so I tell 'em, “fuck off”! But sometimes I'm lonely, too. Being a middle-schooler is hard. It's not fair at all. All I want are cool friends, but everyone's an idiot so I just stay with my RP groups. It's because I don't play sports that I don't have a ton of friends. You see, everyone likes assholes so smart people like myself are discriminated against.

But one day I'm gonna change that. I figure I can use these skills to save the day soon, when a murderer attacks the school or something, and everyone will see how cool I am. Tracy will finally stop friendzoning me, and Phil will be all “Hey, buddy, can you teach me your moves”, but I'll be like “No”. That's why I have to train so hard. Sometimes I'm even sweating at the end. My nekos watch a lot of the time – I have two nekos and one dog – and they seem really impressed. I think one of them, Tubbers, is actually the reincarnation of a death god. Whenever I talk to him about it he understands and meows and everything.

I figure I've pretty much got my life figured out. Once I ordered a mousepad all the way from Japan on eBay – it was only $30 before shipping – and it came with a handwritten note. It says “[Kanji], Thank you very much for your order. Please consider us for your future anime and comics business.”

The bottom part is in English but one day I'm gonna be able to read the top too. I traced the lines and now I use them as a signature on all my anime drawings, so people know it's legit Japanese stuff. I figure when I begin drawing real manga I'll already be established there thanks to that signature.

What's that? Oh, Sakura wants me to go to bed now. I should have a new Let's Play uploaded to YouTube in a week, so catch me there xD. Until then, it's Cody signing out – oyasumi gozaimasu.